Waking Up
by Kathryn Claire O'Connor
Summary: Riley is so, so done with being tired, and Shawn understands just how she feels... *two-shot; tw for attempted suicide*
1. Chapter 1

**First off, I feel I ought to clarify a couple of things.**

 **1) It's my personal head-canon that during the first year Cory and Topanga lived in NYC, they shared an apartment with Shawn and Eric. Thus, all three of the men mentioned in the 2001 snippet live in the same apartment at the time that moment takes place.**

 **2) This is not meant to be a hate- or anti-anything fic. PLEASE UNDERSTAND. I do not hate or hate on Riley, Lucas, Maya, Lucaya, Rucas, Charlie, Riarlie, or _any_ part of the GMW fandom.**

* * *

 **Chapter 1**

 _2001_

For Shawn, finding Cory's little handgun and putting the barrel to his forehead hadn't been about Angela – not about _just_ Angela – but about _everything_ in his whole entire life being a fight. He'd just been so _tired_ – so _done._ So ready to finally go to sleep.

It had been weeks before he'd even begun to forgive Eric for finding him that way and taking his finger from the trigger.

* * *

 _Present day_

Lucas laughed. Riley was coming from her bedroom after changing into a pair of basketball shorts for the night, and her head instantly snapped towards the sound. And instantly she wished it hadn't. Maya's slight form was curled onto her new boyfriend's lap, her head resting in the crook of his neck even as she rolled her eyes and said something teasing about who knew what. Later, the duo would come up with some flimsy excuse about the apartment being too crowded with visitors and there not being enough seats for everyone unless she'd sat on his lap, but right now they were just a cute couple enjoying the beginnings of _being_ a couple.

They were perfectly happy, alone in their own little world, without needing – or apparently even _wanting_ – anyone to invade that little bubble.

 _Let alone you._

Riley winced at the thought, swallowing harshly as she did her best to shove it away while she stepped into the kitchen. Her stomach flipped nauseatingly, and she opened the door to the fridge, hoping to find something to settle the pain. Granted, nothing had done that in what felt like forever, and this thing between Lucas and Maya had been going on for over a month now, but… Riley hadn't felt right since long before their trip to Texas. By now, she was just… _tired_ of everything.

Tired, tired, tired. The word didn't at all describe how Riley had been feeling, how she felt at right that second, but the real word that pinned down what she felt – _What you want to do to yourself_ , that little voice in the back of her mind whispered, pushing forcefully forward – she didn't think she could bear to acknowledge it.

 _But you could_ do _it anyway,_ her own mind insisted. _It's not like anyone would notice. You wouldn't have to hurt anymore. You could finally sleep, be at peace…_

She shut the refrigerator door, resting her forehead against the cool stainless steel and taking a couple of deep breaths against the crushing weight that was spreading out from her chest. Her body felt so hot, and she wanted to throw up – but at the same time she was so _numb._ So Hoover-dam _tired_ of feeling absolutely everything and nothing and –and she bit the inside of her cheek until she tasted blood to keep from screaming.

Auggie was in bed, but her parents, Lucas and Maya, Uncle Shawn and Katy, even Charlie Gardner – her parents had invited them all over for a couples' game night; Riley had wanted to cry at the very thought – were here. They were right there in the living room, and she couldn't cause a scene.

 _After all, look at them; they're happy. You're the one who's wrong._

She pushed herself away from the fridge, turning to look at the group in her living room, but she still kept a shoulder propped against the fridge, like she was too weak to stand on her own somehow. _Was she really that helpless?_

Entwined as they were, Lucas and Maya weren't even taking up the entirety of the big tan chair. Topanga, Cory, and Katy were all sitting on the couch, and Uncle Shawn and Charlie… were coming into the kitchen. Uncle Shawn stopped at the cabinets to get a glass, and Charlie came to Riley, wrapping his arms around her waist as she smiled, praying he couldn't see how much she just wanted peace and quiet.

Shawn smiled absently at them as Charlie beamed lovingly and asked her, "How is it that you're even cuter in PJs?"

She smiled at him, unable to muster up a response as she let him guide her closer to the counter, away from the fridge and out of Shawn's way.

 _He's so sweet; so good to you, of all people! The perfect prince charming! What's the matter with you? If you weren't so screwed up, you could actually learn to like him! He doesn't deserve to be treated like this, and if this is how you're going to treat him, you don't deserve him!_

Over a month. For as long as Lucas and Maya had been dating each other, Riley had been dating Charlie Gardner.

She just wanted it to stop.

"I'm just," she smiled at him – _her boyfriend_ – knowing that her exhaustion was showing in her face. "I'm sorry, but I'm just really… tired."

She was starting to hate that word and its utter inadequacy, but she just didn't know how else to phrase it. She'd been so strong, she'd been everyone else's "fixer" for so long, she was putting their feelings first even now – because it was becoming so obvious to her that they were so much _better_ than her – that she was _exhausted_ in ways that she couldn't even begin to describe. "Tired" had nothing on how she was actually feeling, but she didn't know how else to describe it.

She had to get away from this group of people before they started to realize just how weak and messed up she really was. "I think that I'm going to go to bed early, if you don't mind."

"Of course not," Charlie assured her, kissing her on the cheek and releasing his hold on her waist – but not before she saw the disappointment in his eyes.

 _You're hurting him again. You don't deserve him; you're not good enough for Charlie Gardner!_

Riley turned her back to him before he saw the tears turning her eyes glassy and he went back to his seat in the living room as she muttered, "Thanks."

Maya laughed then, declaring affectionately, "You are an _awful_ New Yorker, Lucas!"

"Yeah," Riley wasn't even looking at them, but she could still hear the goofily loud kiss Lucas gave Maya before he declared, "But I'm _your_ New Yorker, and you love me anyway."

"I do," Maya announced.

 _Tired, tired, tired. Just_ do _it; none of them will ever miss you! Remember how happy they are! And their confidence! When have you ever had any of that? Just do it and get it over with. It's not like things are going to get any better for you… They wouldn't even want to help you if they could really see how broken and useless you really are! Put yourself out of your own misery before you start to make them miserable too…_

No one even noticed when she slipped a kitchen knife into the pocket of her shorts.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Shawn thought he caught a flash of something metallic as he put the carton of juice back in the fridge, but when he turned around, Riley was slipping her hand into the pocket of her shorts, head down as she started towards the hallway. Mentally shrugging it off, Shawn went back into the living room and returned to his place beside Katy.

"Where are you going, Riley?" Topanga asked her daughter curiously.

Riley froze mid-step on her way to her bedroom, turning around with a drained smile to say, "I'm tired. I'm going to go to my room and go to sleep early. Goodbye."

"You must really be tired! Don't you mean 'good night'?" Topanga asked, her smile widening.

But Shawn's heart stopped as pieces of a puzzle slammed together in his mind and he woke up to what was actually going on. _"I'm tired. I'm going to go to my room and go to sleep early. Goodbye."_ And that flash of metallic had been a _knife!_

"Riley!" he cried a little too forcefully, shoving onto his feet with flashing eyes.

Every head in the room turned to him, and Riley asked in confused alarm, "What?!"

And of course that was when he froze. _Think, Shawn, think! You can't just accuse her of… This is Riley, right?! You'll look like an idiot… and they're going to want to know why you thought she was going to go off and…_

He peered closer at his niece, and his heart dropped into his toes at what he saw. Yeah, okay, this was sunshine and rainbows Riley Matthews, but he _knew_ what he'd seen – what he saw right now in her micro-expressions. And he knew what she meant when she'd said she was "tired;" he'd been there, and Eric wasn't around to rescue them from themselves this time.

So he had to do it.

 _THINK!_

And then it hit him, what he could say – how he could maybe even tell Cory and Topanga what was going on without Riley flipping out on him. The last thing he wanted was a struggle over that knife in her pocket that resulted in somebody getting hurt.

So he walked over to Riley and pulled her into a tight hug, saying casually, "I'm leaving town tomorrow, remember? I just wanted to make sure I was able to give you a proper 'see you later' and tell you I loved you."

Riley blinked up at him, eyes narrowed the slightest bit as she pointed out, "I don't know that you've ever said those exact three words to me."

Shawn winced internally, but surely, _surely_ Riley Matthews knew how loved she was! "Well, if I haven't then that is entirely my fault, and I apologize, because I love you very much." He kept an arm around her shoulders as he moved to stand behind her, continuing, "We all do. So. Very. Much."

No one but the two of them understood what he was saying just yet, but he felt her start to tremble, and her hand began to shake that much more when he closed his own hand around hers in the pocket of her shorts. She had a death grip on the knife, but he wasn't going to let go of her hand, and she had to know she'd been found out. Still, she barely breathed, though he saw her glance around at the gathered group of people, saw Cory and Maya both frown a little as they noticed that something was off here. Shawn had to make them understand.

"I do love you, even when I'm out of town. But you, Riley," his arm around her shoulders tightened, and he had to swallow past the lump in his throat as he recalled infant Josh in the NICU, fighting for his life… about to die. He stared at Cory and Topanga over the top of Riley's head, begging them to understand what he meant as he all but ordered, "Don't you _dare_ go out of town. We have the best family there is, and we love you too much to be without you. Don't you dare go out of town."

Cory and Topanga's expressions changed almost simultaneously as understanding dawned on them both. At the same time, Riley loosened her grip on the knife she held, and Shawn jerked it out of her pocket and slid it into his own in one swift sleight of hand.

He wasn't sure what exactly happened next, he was instantly hit with such a dizzying wave of relief. The way he'd handled the knife meant that Katy and the other three kids had never seen it, therefore they didn't understand what was going on. Cory and Topanga were there though, he noticed vaguely, and though he wasn't sure if Riley slid to the floor or if he had lost his grip on her, when he was finally able to breathe again and focus properly, Riley, Cory, and Topanga were a huddled mass of confusion, sobs, apologies, and "I love you"s on the floor. Katy was standing worriedly at Shawn's side, hand on his arm as she asked if he was alright, and he nodded absently as he fell to his knees beside the Matthews.

No one besides he and Eric had ever known what Shawn had attempted during his year living in New York – he'd disappeared too soon afterwards for that to happen – and he'd very slowly managed to patch himself up over the years – or at least build up sufficient enough walls to keep himself from being hurt again. He could tell at a glance that wasn't what was going to happen here. Even without knowing what was going on, Maya, Lucas, and Charlie were dropping onto the floor too, crowding around Riley and reminding her just how much they loved and needed her, asking her if she was okay… just wanting to be there and help where they could. And experience – or, in a way, lack thereof – told Shawn that was the best thing that could possibly happen for Riley right now.

"We're going to get you the help you need," Shawn heard Topanga promise her daughter. "We are going to be whatever you need. We love you, and we are here for you, and you are going to be just fine. I promise. Because you are too precious to every one of us to be anything but a huge part of our lives for as long as humanly possible. We love you, we need you, we aren't going anywhere and neither are you."

Riley was all but buried underneath the embraces of other people, but she still managed to catch Shawn's eye where he'd ended up on the edge of the little circle of humanity. She was crying, but they were finally the sort of tears that meant _healing_ , that meant she was waking up to just how much she her life was worth to those around her _._ That thing that had been so wrong in her eyes had slipped away – at least for the moment – and they were all standing at the beginning of a long road, but Shawn got the feeling that at the end of it all, Riley was going to be exactly what Topanga had said. She was going to be just fine.

Riley wiggled an arm free from the mass of humanity and reached for Shawn's hand, choking out, "Thank you so much, Uncle Shawn."

For once, Shawn didn't bother fighting his own tears as he answered, "You are _so_ welcome, kiddo."

He took her hand, and she held on to him. Starting now, for all she was worth, Riley held on.


End file.
